MPD Frasier Quotes

      I know I have not posted in awhile, here is a bit of Multiple Personality humor from one of my favorite TV shows;



"I really have to go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags."  -Niles Crane



http://www.popscreen.com/p/MTQwMjI3Mjcx/Free-desktop-backgrounds-with-frasier-october-wallpaper-300882


"Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to, but I had a crisis with a patient. One of my multiples had a new personality emerge - a one-hundred-and-ten-year-old Frenchwoman. It would have been too risky to put off his therapy. Plus I would have missed out on a wonderful recipe for bouillabaisse." - Niles Crane


"Oh yes, I had the same trouble with some of my multiple personality patients; one would always claim that the other one sent the check." Frasier Crane

Tea with Depression

     I've been trying lately to list reasons to be happy about my life in the hopes to inspire me enough to get out of bed when I wake up.  It doesn't work.  I dread getting up to another day, a little paltry list of reasons isn't enough to stave it off.  "My stomach has been feeling really good, I have that yummy jello, I got some new clothes".  It's just not enough.  I know it's about alters needing time out or needing a break, and this comes and goes as part of the process, but I just want to say it sucks.  And I'm OK with that for now.  I want to be able to say to people "I'm depressed" without having them suddenly be uncomfortable like they are sitting with a leper, or make me feel like I should be ashamed or try to hide it.  Sometimes life just sucks, it happens to everyone.  I see no reason to douse it with rainbows and bubbles in an attempt to cover it up so it won't run the risk of making other people uncomfortable.  I can sit with the way I am and just experience it, to be with it instead of dissociating from it.  I stay aware of it, and take precautions, so I know I am letting it go through me instead of becoming something that could be dangerous to me.  No one is yet desperate or harmful, we have an appointment scheduled and we can sit tight until then: meanwhile having a cup of tea next to Depression, Calm, and Acceptance discussing the weather and all our combined observances and hopes for life.

Multiple Personalities and Allergies

     Allergies in a multiple can be complicated.  My therapist told me I didn't need to worry about it right away, but I've found it's good to at least get a handle on or to at least have a general idea of what's going on in allergies with a multiple system.  In a person with multiple personalities, different alters can have different physical conditions.  They may have different ranges of vision, different chronic conditions, or different susceptibilities.  One alter may be allergic to something that the rest are not.  I'm finding this to be true in my system and it is a circus to try and figure out.  Fortunately no one seems to have any immediate life threatening allergies and for that I am gratefully holding my breath at this point.

     The big things that are just in the body and seem to hold true for everyone are lactose intolerance (possibly an actual allergy), wheat intolerance, intolerance to preservatives and other various conditions that require a very strict diet i.e. no sugar, corn, or pork.  Not to mention a lifelong allergy to every pollen that exists.  So I know all about muddling through allergy testing and restricted meal plans. 

     When my therapist first told me she suspected I had DID, otherwise known as multiple personalities, it didn't really sink in right away.  It did make sense though and I was immediately able to name off six- now that we were actually recognizing and discussing the other people inside my head that did apparently, come out to live their own lives from time to time.   During the next week, the dizziness, short blackouts, spinning, and voices clamoring in my head hit the roof.  I constantly had the sensation of being yanked and pushed out of my own body- out of my own brain, out of my own heart and lungs.  The chattering I usually had in my head was constant, and I now realized different voices with different 'tones', like a radio changing stations.  I started to realize how little control I had over my own body.  But where it might have been a slight nuisance before, it was raging out of control now.  Pandora's box had been opened, and there was no going back.

     The day I went back for therapy, the very day, I didn't make it to the appointment because of a sudden allergy reaction to rice and chocolate, after I had just grabbed some chocolate rice protein shake for breakfast on my way out. Well that, and anxiety which just made everything worse.  And switching.  And who knows what all else.  I ended up in the ER that night and a clinic the next morning, getting and EKG and blood draws.  They said it must be a panic attack and sent me home.  Then later I had an appointment with my regular practitioner and it turned out I was indeed suffering from food allergies that caused the shortness of breathe, wheezing, and headaches.  I felt at least mollified that it wasn't all 'in my head' as everyone else I had seen claimed.

     That was two years ago, and the strange symptoms haven't stopped.  After passing everything off as 'just panic attacks' or 'just DID' I realized that there were -at times- a more serious problem.  I now try to record everything and take into account switching and panic attacks.  It seems food allergies can be a trigger for the switching and anxiety just compounds everything.  But there are at times a definite physical reaction immediately after eating a certain food, say cucumber.  I record it and say "Aha!  Gotcha!"  And then for weeks after . . . nothing.  I can eat all the cucumber I want and no reaction, or at times a vague notion of an allergy reaction that I'm not present enough in the body to feel.  It's like trying to catch a grasshopper.  Once I think I've got it, I don't.  The only explanation I can think of is that different alters have allergies that others don't.  All I can say to someone with DID trying to figure out their allergies is, good luck.

Holy crap it's June 18!  How much have I missed, about two weeks?!  Not that all of me was completely gone, just *this* aware part of me was.  I think I did have the vague sense of protesting that I should wake of and DO something only to be overcome by sleepy contentedness before I was out of it.  Not that I don't know that things have been done- new haircut for example- I'm just a bit miffed that it wasn't me.  Because things always need to be done!  We're all in a rat race of urgency . . . oh, maybe not.  There is this annoying sense of missing out on my life though.

Ungrounded- Checking In With Our Inner Selves:)

     I posted earlier from the perspective of my intuitive one, and today we made some discoveries we'd like to add.  Now she is sensitive to the extreme about things like different energies and auras.  So she noticed an effect much more than any of us would when another alter is 'sharing' (co-conscious) but not connected to whoever else is out.  When that happens, she describes it as being extremely ungrounded.  Being "grounded" is lingo from the spiritual people/sensitives/what have you that means being fully present in your body and in tune with tangible reality- "down to earth".   She's written here before about how that can be difficult for people with DID in connection to poor shielding and poor boundaries.  We'd like to add that feeling ungrounded can also come from being disconnected to your other alters.  We simply experience it as being spacey, not really feeling our body except at the top and sometimes even a sensation of floating or feeling far away.  Basically, we're high as a space cadet (might also add that communicating or writing in this state- such as this blog post -might not be clear to others or a great idea for you.  Wheeeee!). 
     We wanted to point out that with DID it might not be that NO one is fully present or in control your body, but that you might not be in touch with the parts of you that are.  Checking in with our alters, having a meeting to see what's going on connects us to the other alters that are out and helps greatly to 'bring us back down to earth' so to speak and fully present in our bodies.  We have been frustrated lately by the limitations on our ability to live our lives when we feel pushed out of our own bodies and unable to think, act, speak clearly etc.  What we are finding now for us personally is that the other alters that are out are also limited in these things when we don't connect.  It can feel a bit weird to ask questions in your mind and wait for someone else to answer, but the ability to communicate with alters can be developed or is there already, though different things may work for different people.  Feeling shut out, spaced out, whatever you call it, is irritating for everyone.  The good news is that it need not happen forever.  Communicating and checking in or having meetings can help bring down the space cadet and have you feeling closer to your normal however-normal-you normally-are self.

SuperNova 4

      "Mankind will stay as it is -in itself a terrible prospect- if the principles of love and justice remain obstinately separated  instead of complementing each other.  Looking on the question from this angle, you will find that in the history of man since  the beginning of Creation, love and justice have opposed each other.  At one period justice was the human ideal, at another, love.  The divine idea of justice in love, love in justice, mankind has magnanimously left to the Creator."  -Hans Habe, The Sunflower

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     I have ignored this Supernova thread for awhile.  A look into the humanity of criminals causes controversy everywhere including myself, I am sure that's why it is not popular worldwide.  What I am attempting to do with this thread is look at abusers, rapists, people who have done terrible things, with love.  I do this primarily because the people who have hurt me the worst in life were people I loved very much, and still do.  I call it 'Supernova' because when I look at someone energetically at their core every person is blindingly radiant.  What to do then is the constant battle wrestling in me.  The hurt itself- incest, is one of the most unspeakable crimes.  It is one I don't want to look at some days especially from a personal standpoint.   When I connect with other alters and remember the worst I am beyond furious- beyond unforgiving.

     I've studied what cases I could find that somewhat mirrored mine- people who remembered a second life inside the one they knew.  I've tried to understand how men could be dually family men and criminals.  I've read controversies on forgiveness and reconciliation.  I've matched the words good and bad and legal and illegal against each other in an attempt to understand what makes a man what he is or if he can even be defined.  I've tried to understand how my father who I love more than anything could be my torturer, could be my molester, could possibly be my rapist.  I understand that he, and both my parents really, had horrible experiences that have led to the decisions to act in a hurtful way as adults.  It was, however, still their choice and I do not excuse that they constantly chose to use their children as an outlet for their rage and pain so they could avoid confronting it.

      But even though I am hurt and furious over their choices, the more I actually look at them the less I am capable of hating them.  I love.  I cannot stop it, and I would not want to.  I really think the main message of Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, or any other religious figure or leader of peace boils down to this: I see you.  I see you and I can't help but love you.  To know you is to love you.

     Sexual assault is the most powerful way to tell someone that they don't matter.  The one doing the assaulting believes it for themselves but sends that message in the most devastating way possible to their victim.  For me in incest coming from my dad, the person who I looked to teach me what to think about myself, the effect was even more crippling.  I know my dad believes he is worthless and I see on the faces of every person deliberately hurting another that they believe they themselves are worthless.  Parts of me know -fiercely- that I am not worthless.  My dad is not worthless.  YOU MATTER.  I wish everyone would tell each other that.  Tell your parents, tell your neighbors, tell the people on the street, tell your friends, tell your enemies.  You matter.  You are important.  You make a difference in this world.

With Love, From Me, To You

      Most of us go about day to day focusing on tangible success without much thought to how we are faring beyond a physical level.  The emotions we feel and how we interact with each other is so important and so drastically overlooked.  In therapy I become more and more aware of the emotional body as comparable to a starving dog, a cowering living being fed the occasional scrap with the capacity to be so much more.  And while that's to be expected in a patient with DID as they have usually experienced strong neglect, I think most people today go about quietly and confused with their own inner emotional starvation not knowing what to do about it.

     One of the emotions I learned to block growing up was loneliness- it didn't mesh with the program I was set up with.  According to it I was supposed to stay away from people so loneliness was counterproductive.  Now that we are trying to break the programming we are a bit confused that we should want to be around people or interact and how we should go about doing that.

     Finding a support system, is, of course, invaluable, especially if you have lost a safe support system from your family.  I systematically identify this need and hunt down a solution- I NEED to talk- until someone surprisingly offers to listen- the full package, no strings attached.  Suddenly it's personal and I don't want to talk.  Not running from your support system is apparently the next step after you've found it.

     Friendship can be tricky.  We've agreed not to tell about DID until we know and trust a person very well, but alters switch in and out with everyone, whether we trust them or not.  Most friendships have been broken or distanced suddenly with no explanation, until we've learned to expect everyone to up and walk out at some point without saying a word.  With integrating memories that is being explained somewhat as stories of unknown fights with friends or different alters who broke things off start to emerge.  Finding someone who you can be close to without knowing you have multiple personalities is difficult, just as difficult as finding someone who can handle sticking with you once they know you have multiple personalities.  On the up side it's the perfect litmus test.  If you find someone who will stick with you through all that, they're a keeper. 

     It also applies to dating with DID.  Dating, as I have mentioned before on this blog, is a conundrum with multiple personalities.  Obviously.  The ingrained 'don't get near people' rule seems to apply to all alters- in a weird way that is kind of a good thing here, because I've got alters all over the spectrum in that area, and rules we set for ourselves don't seem to work.   I've wondered if dating an understanding transgender wouldn't be the perfect solution to make everyone happy and content, but even then I doubt it.

     I have also started to recognize a universal pattern, that we seek out people we are comfortable with, usually those we have something in common with.  When we no longer have that thing in common we leave.  Sort of a sad little happenstance in life, that people just drift apart.  If you're trying to change what you have in common with them, especially a bad habit or negative pattern, it can be imperative that you leave.  Similar to addiction, when you are trying to break out of dysfunction, it is difficult to be around people who are dysfunctional.  That doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't love them or necessarily break off from them.  It can mean limit contact to what you are safe with.

     The thing is we love everybody, we are most content when those around us are able to share in it, and dissonance with anyone is painful.  I miss people that I've had to leave.  We are learning the important distinction between keeping in touch with people and expecting them to be able and willing to be our support system.  I have found that everybody is lovable with wonderful things about them, even the ones who hurt others and themselves.  It's an ironic discovery considering one of the main core beliefs programmed into some of my alters was that I am unlovable.  It's not true for me, or any of my alters, or anybody else in the world.

     I think allowing myself to hold onto the good in people and knowing I have the power to limit my contact with the bad in them has made me less bitter.  It hurts less than completely cutting myself off.  Allowing myself to love is the most natural and freeing thing in the world.