Saturday, December 7, 2013

That Looming Shadow

     Dun, dun dun dun DUUUUUUUN!  And there it goes.  My alters have been quiet for weeks, and I always have mixed reactions from being relieved to being on edge when they go silent like that.  I try to tell myself it's just because I'm doing soooo good, that they don't need to pop up anymore with their problems, we're healing, we're getting better, wahoo!  Which is partly true, I am making progress and so crises happen less often and everything, including alter life, is more manageable.  Or because we're partially integrated, which is also partly true with some.  But when they don't respond to my checking in, or trying to give them a nudge it feels . . . ominous.  Like when you're talking to someone and they go silent and their eyes go wide and they're not looking at you but at something behind you . . . something really big behind you. . . .  For the most part, I ignore the unease that this causes and take advantage of me time getting as much done as I can.  Occasionally I'll have a few moments of doubt; "They're quiet.  Too quiet."  But I just shake it off.   And then one day turn around and there is that big secret, that big memory, that big realization that was just too much to handle before.  "Oh.  OH."  And damn if it doesn't suddenly all make sense.  It's bittersweet, really.  I am making progress.  I'm still making progress.  But it is not as free and easy as I was hoping.