Saturday, December 7, 2013

That Looming Shadow

     Dun, dun dun dun DUUUUUUUN!  And there it goes.  My alters have been quiet for weeks, and I always have mixed reactions from being relieved to being on edge when they go silent like that.  I try to tell myself it's just because I'm doing soooo good, that they don't need to pop up anymore with their problems, we're healing, we're getting better, wahoo!  Which is partly true, I am making progress and so crises happen less often and everything, including alter life, is more manageable.  Or because we're partially integrated, which is also partly true with some.  But when they don't respond to my checking in, or trying to give them a nudge it feels . . . ominous.  Like when you're talking to someone and they go silent and their eyes go wide and they're not looking at you but at something behind you . . . something really big behind you. . . .  For the most part, I ignore the unease that this causes and take advantage of me time getting as much done as I can.  Occasionally I'll have a few moments of doubt; "They're quiet.  Too quiet."  But I just shake it off.   And then one day turn around and there is that big secret, that big memory, that big realization that was just too much to handle before.  "Oh.  OH."  And damn if it doesn't suddenly all make sense.  It's bittersweet, really.  I am making progress.  I'm still making progress.  But it is not as free and easy as I was hoping.


Miss Anne Thrope said...

Oh, I know that feeling. Though you didn't mention the feeling that I also have then -- numb. I feel that kind of ear-ringing numbness that happens when things are finally quiet after being noisy for so long. Yes, the quiet ought to be nice, but I just end up feeling numb, as if I'm not feeling *enough.* And that progress, if it's like mine, is always two steps forward, then back-sliding until you've only gained about an inch of ground. Incremental. An inch of hard-won progress is a good thing, of course. All progress is good. It's just the slide backward that creates so many feelings of frustration and even despair. So glad, though, to hear from you. Glad to know you're still fighting the good fight and moving forward. Be well.

annette said...

That is interesting, I haven't noticed numbness, although I think I keep as busy as possible and try NOT to pay attention to feeling for the most part when that happens. The backsliding feeling though, YES, so frustrating. I try to remind myself that I'm not going back exactly, but sort of zig zag up, like a deer trail up a steep mountain. It may not feel like much, but it is progress.