[love is more thicker than forget]

By E. E. Cummings

love is more thicker than forget

more thinner than recall

more seldom than a wave is wet

more frequent than to fail

it is more mad and moonly

and less it shall unbe

than all the sea which only

is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win

less never than alive

less bigger than the least begin

less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly

and more it cannot die

than all the sky which only

is higher than the sky

E.E. Cummings, “[love is more thicker than forget]” from Complete Poems 1904-1962, edited by George J. Firmage. Copyright 1926, 1954, 1991 by the Trustees for the E.E. Cummings Trust. Copyright © 1985 by George James Firmage. Reprinted with the permission of Liveright Publishing Corporation.

Source: Poetry (January 1939).

Color Therapy

     Red!  Gone with my green streak and onto the new bright year.  Obviously more than a streak, the ones in charge during the coloring process were very enthusiastic.  Keeping us alert through all that switching during the long process of bleaching and dyeing was a bit of a challenge, but worth it.  Some were so thrilled with my hair color I was bouncing off the walls and making up my mind to dye the rest the same color, possibly today.  Fortunately, there is SOME impulse control from the rest of us, because two hours later "I" was looking in the mirror wanting to cry over the horrid coloring in my hair.  It's so bold, it's so gaudy and trashy, it's so not me.  How do I get rid of it?  She refused to look in the mirror anymore, but later I made some peace with braids. 

     I have noticed before, and especially now, that many alters respond strongly to color.  Bright vibrant colors are a favorite of my littles.  In t.v. shows Barney in particular is a favorite because of the vibrant colors and music.  As my little alters have been incorporated more into my life, or integrated, my clothes have started to go from drab to brilliant.  In painting my room this summer, they chose the colors, and now my room is lime green and pastel orange.  I have to say that with my room being sun facing, the light glowing off these colors lifts my mood drastically and makes spending time there enjoyable.  Many of us look forward to going towards our room simply for the color and the comfort and cheer it brings.  The style of my artist alter has changed significantly with the beginning integration of younger alters, looser, larger, and more colorful.  As for my neon red hair color, while some think it ghastly, more find it fun, pretty, and even helpful.  For those struggling with extreme despair or rage it has been a wonderful way to express passion in a positive way and bring life to those who have a hard time finding it.  I have found overall that color therapy interacts with alters on a level I am rarely even aware of.  I think it is a wonderful way to work with all people.

How to Believe a Multiple

I'm running into this in my personal life and thought it might be helpful or relevant for others- how to believe someone with multiple personalities, with contradictory stories being told with the same mouth.  I wrote this out as a sort of guide for interacting with alters.


With many alters, my story will change, or be told from different points of view. They may be panicked or not know the exact cause, because they frequently have different information blocked from them at different times, I can never see the overall picture at once. It is a system designed to keep alters unaware of the others, unable to share information, even if or especially if something is wrong. It is a system not designed for our safety so much as our silence, especially when there is a problem.

I can understand how frustrating it would be to be running after each alter's story. I prefer and recommend that you step back and view situations for yourself. However please understand that when anyone says something is wrong, something IS wrong. Even when they are panicked, it is never just 'in their head' or a bid for attention. Because of their nature of secrecy, I don't think any of us would ask you for help unless we desperately needed it and had no choice. Asking for outside help is always a last resort. They may be telling you everything they know, which is only one piece of the whole story. It is truth, but it may not be all of it.
You do not need to take orders from them, but you do need to take them seriously.

The most important thing for any of them to ever know is that they can trust you. They will need to be reassured of this repeatedly, but don't say it unless you know you mean it. Don't ever go along with something just to placate or humor them, be honest about what you think. Try using open sentences for this. If what they are saying seems suspicious or incomplete, tell them you'd like to get more information before deciding anything. Or "I'd like to take a break, but I'm not shutting you down. Can we come back to this later?" should be fine. The best thing is to show that the subject is still open and you are still believing and supporting them regardless of what is going on.

Closed sentences like "No", "I don't believe you" "Stop" are very frightening. It is difficult to ask for help or admit there is a problem, and they are usually very desperate when they do. It is generally safe to assume that if they are asking for help, it is a big problem. They rarely ever ask help for little things that they could find a solution for themselves. Hearing closed sentences feels like a rebuttal for asking for help, and makes it sound like they should just forget about asking for help no matter how desperately they may need it. It also sends the message that you do not support them, even if that was not your intention.

One thing to do to get the whole picture might be to write down the different stories you hear, then we can sit down and look at the whole thing. I am often surprised or alters in my head are surprised to hear you quote me on something I don't remember saying or thinking or knowing.

DID/MPD and the Root Chakra

     I was introduced to the world of auras and chakras about 6 years ago, around the same time I got very ill and the system my alternate personalities had collapsed.  I had always been a bit sensitive to vibes from the animate and inanimate, but now it was overwhelming.  Some alters didn't (and still don't) believe 'such nonsense' existed at all.  But eventually we have all had to accept that something is happening on an energetic level whether some of us don't believe in it or not.  It is a continuous debate and struggle between those who do and those who don't, but all have been affected.  This is written primarily from the perspective of my intuitive one.

     Going out in public became a nightmare.  I could feel emotion and mental chatter coming out of people in waves, and I had nothing to keep those waves of tangible thickness from pressing against my skin and being absorbed right into me.  I felt so fragile, trying to conserve my strength, only to go to classes to feel it washed away in a tidal wave of other people's emotion; their anger, wants, competition.  These harsher emotions I found difficult to deal with, unlike peace and happiness which I found soothing but far more infrequent.  I would go to my dorm and spend the rest of the day curled up trying to regain my shattered sense of self.  I did not only sense the state of others, it was physically taxing on myself. 
     I learned to reach out to the energy of trees, go to the park and sit against one, and feel myself instantly aligned with the roots reaching far into the earth, grounded, calming, and the branches reaching high for the blue Montana sky, the pulse of the tree itself racing up and up.  I grew up in the Idaho mountains with trees, and I realized just how much nurturing and protection I had gotten from the earth there.  There were no mountains here, hardly any trees to keep the energy grounded.  You had to learn a new way of connection, a new way of living.  The energy on campus was like an electric buzz, always jumping, nothing to hold it down, full of life and questions from all the young adults pushing and testing every limit they could find.  It was not bad, I was just too raw.
     Crowded places like airports and malls were particularly difficult to navigate.  I found myself seeking out calm people with strong shielding to use as shelter from the cacophony of  everyone else.  Yogis were the best, of course.  The perfect find for the frazzled sensitive.  They glowed.  So did the proverbial pregnant women, incidentally, although not nearly as much as their rounded bellies, which radiated life and color like a jukebox blaring out music.  Other than the unborn, age seemed to have little difference on a persons energetic state.  A twelve year old could have more calm and confidence, wisdom and 'age' than a 40 year old business executive. 
     Telling other people who were energy sensitive of my problem usually only got me one answer: learn to shield.  The most common wisdom on how to do that was "surround yourself with bright light" which irked me to no end, having tried it repeatedly with no effect.  Finally I talked to a woman, a Reiki Master, who had written an article about empaths who take on the energy of others.  I told her I had recently been diagnosed with DID/MPD, which thankfully she knew something about.  Finally I got an answer that made sense:  Your root chakra is damaged.  Chakras intake and outtake energy, and any damaged chakra will negatively impact the well being of a persons' energy body.  The root chakra is connected to a sense of safety and plays a large role in grounding and filtering input of energy.  Any trauma severe enough to cause DID/MPD will damage the root chakra, possibly even cause it to stop functioning altogether.  A person with a damaged root chakra will have extreme difficulty getting grounded (feeling a solid connection with the whole body and the earth and reality, "down to earth").  As their ability to intake energy is impeded, they may often not or barely have enough energy to function.  
     I have noticed that the strength of a persons' shield seems to correlate, (not surprisingly), with their ability to set and keep personal boundaries.  As I have started to integrate I have felt more unified and whole - and stronger, simply because the resources I have are now more pooled together and united as one front.  My ability to defend myself and set boundaries may be pithy compared to a completely whole and healthy person, but for me it is a marked improvement because it is there at all.  My aura has also strengthened considerably, and what shielding I can do comes as naturally as breathing, as I suspect it does unconsciously for many people.  It requires little to no effort on my part, whereas before I started to integrate shielding was not possible, no matter how much effort I put into it.  (I believe a multiple setting and keeping boundaries is a valiant feat, as they generally have little to no resources, encouragement, or experience to do so.  Whether integrated or not, multiple or not, setting boundaries is a significant sign of healing for someone who was never permitted to have them before.)
     If you have multiple personalities, and one or more of you feel vulnerable to the energies of others, you will need to take extra precautions to shield yourself.  There are many articles online about shielding methods, using crystals, essential oils, homeopathic drops, etc..  You can see which ones work best for you, but remember you will need to use more than one at a time to create a temporary shield until yours can be healed.  I have found Bach's Flower Remedies Rescue Remedy to be excellent, along with oils and stones which help some.  Good self care is vital.  For me the number one has been eating nutritious food and keeping my body temperature warm.  Walks in nature, yoga, meditation, these are all very helpful.  As a multiple it is difficult for me to keep track of my body and see that it is cared for, and regular medical check ups and health care are important to remember if at all possible.  The physical body affects the energy body.

Sin by Silence

I found a fascinating website today about abused women convicted for killing their husbands.  Introduces challenging questions and a look into the justice system.
http://www.sinbysilence.com/getinvolved

Supernova 3 "Born Bad"

     In the process of discovering I am a survivor of incest, severe abuse, and that I have multiple personalities, I looked around at any other people in similar situations and thought "I must be a poor choice for someone to live this life".  Other people seemed so calm and decided in the choices they made.  I was surprised to hear of abuse and incest survivors deciding to stay with people who were obviously still hurting them.  I was equally surprised to hear of people who seemed to have no conflicting emotions about the people who were hurting them, the ones who simply walked away.  In the face of all that had been done to me I could not help but feel seething hate, which I feel no compulsion to hide or condemn, certainly not to smother in an attempt to make what I lived through any less horrific than what it was.  To me hatred is pain that has yet to heal, and in this case the pain went so deep I could not imagine it ever healing.  I wanted that hate, or possibly indifference, so I could walk away and move on too.  But I couldn't move on, because at the same time I loved.  I loved too much.  It seemed an impediment, to love too much and see too much, so I could never drop it and move on.
     I have alters that have been trained to withstand torture and trained to give it, experts in breaking a persons' will and molding them for a specific purpose, alters who turn off or are separated from all feeling, and are ruthlessly hard.  While I have never killed anyone I have the suspicion that these alters have been physically, emotionally, and mentally prepared to do so.  Conversely I have alters who are so gentle and fragile they could cry after witnessing a fly being smashed against a wall.
     The process of healing and being able to see at the same time these radically different personalities, which are all part of me,  demonstrates the complexity of the human psyche, the human heart.  People can be many things at once but I know with every fiber of my being that pain, which can turn into hate, or be mistaken for 'evil' is never the end of the story for anyone.  Or the start.  I trust that instinct because I have learned to trust myself, but for others who may not I think science and psychology are starting to back up my theory.  That is, for those who care to honestly and objectively pay attention. 
     I was once shown a drop of my blood under a microscope by someone who studies blood for a living who described the white blood cells as the protector cells.  They patrol the bloodstream destroying, or "eating" any substance that may be harmful to the red blood cells.  When a white blood cell comes across a substance too dangerous even for it, it sacrifices itself by eating the substance anyway, letting itself be killed along with the foreign matter.  When this happens, other white blood cells come along and surround the dying white blood cell, touching it on all sides and staying with it as it dies  Compassion is inherent down to our very cells.
     On every level humans are astounding.  Not only under a microscope but to the naked eye in everyday observation -because of the intricate functioning of matter and spirit but more so because of how incredibly poignant and loving every vulnerable human is.  To think of someone as an evil monster associated with great crimes makes one question where they fit into humanity, unless we decide to make it a simple matter by rejecting the idea that they are really human or the belief that love is inherent to all humans.  But I do not think it is a simple matter. 
     Concerning child molesters, nearly all those interviewed who have molested children admitted to also being molested themselves as children.  Every aspect of the crimes they carried out were reflective of the crimes that had been done to them.  Science has shown that sexual assault in childhood wires the brain to connect sexuality with violence.  Science has also shown that exposure to violence in early childhood maps that exact form of violence as a subconscious reflex, unless the issue is consciously addressed whether by talking about it with a helping adult during childhood or during therapy as an adult.  Therapy is one proven way to change the 'mapping' of the brain, but few people choose to face childhood sexual abuse and attend therapy unless they are forced through circumstance, this includes victims of childhood sexual abuse that have grown into adult perpetrators.
     By themselves these are a statistics, facts, and figures but what do they show?  Certainly that no one was 'born' with a predisposition towards committing violence, or sexual assault.  To ignore the severe injury done to the bodies and minds of children and the correlating similarities to crimes committed by them as adults is a grievous error, even more so to accuse the now-adult of being "born bad", "born evil", or "born angry".  As if accusing an infant of malicious intent would put the responsibility of evil on the infant and not on the grown-up suggesting such things.  Skipping a lifetime of choices, actions, cause and effect - skipping to the conclusion of evil - makes it simple to think that a criminal is not human just like us.  That they had no mother who wiped away their tears, that they had no school crush, that they had no heroes or let-downs or heartbreaks.  That they were never vulnerable, or beautiful - or lovable.
     To be honest and admit that they have and are all those things that we are, makes them not so different from us.  So what is the difference?  They were not born evil, or with a 'bad gene'.  They likely were victims themselves, but many people are victims without becoming perpetrators.  Is it a simple choice?  What is the difference between victims who choose to fight crime and those who choose to repeat it?  Should that even make a difference to their victims?

The Emperor's New Clothes

Coming from an abusive family and trying to set yourself right is akin to being the child in The Emperor's New Clothes.  Everyone can see it, but you may be the only person who points it out.

http://deoxy.org/emperors.htm