Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Supernova 3 "Born Bad"

     In the process of discovering I am a survivor of incest, severe abuse, and that I have multiple personalities, I looked around at any other people in similar situations and thought "I must be a poor choice for someone to live this life".  Other people seemed so calm and decided in the choices they made.  I was surprised to hear of abuse and incest survivors deciding to stay with people who were obviously still hurting them.  I was equally surprised to hear of people who seemed to have no conflicting emotions about the people who were hurting them, the ones who simply walked away.  In the face of all that had been done to me I could not help but feel seething hate, which I feel no compulsion to hide or condemn, certainly not to smother in an attempt to make what I lived through any less horrific than what it was.  To me hatred is pain that has yet to heal, and in this case the pain went so deep I could not imagine it ever healing.  I wanted that hate, or possibly indifference, so I could walk away and move on too.  But I couldn't move on, because at the same time I loved.  I loved too much.  It seemed an impediment, to love too much and see too much, so I could never drop it and move on.
     I have alters that have been trained to withstand torture and trained to give it, experts in breaking a persons' will and molding them for a specific purpose, alters who turn off or are separated from all feeling, and are ruthlessly hard.  While I have never killed anyone I have the suspicion that these alters have been physically, emotionally, and mentally prepared to do so.  Conversely I have alters who are so gentle and fragile they could cry after witnessing a fly being smashed against a wall.
     The process of healing and being able to see at the same time these radically different personalities, which are all part of me,  demonstrates the complexity of the human psyche, the human heart.  People can be many things at once but I know with every fiber of my being that pain, which can turn into hate, or be mistaken for 'evil' is never the end of the story for anyone.  Or the start.  I trust that instinct because I have learned to trust myself, but for others who may not I think science and psychology are starting to back up my theory.  That is, for those who care to honestly and objectively pay attention. 
     I was once shown a drop of my blood under a microscope by someone who studies blood for a living who described the white blood cells as the protector cells.  They patrol the bloodstream destroying, or "eating" any substance that may be harmful to the red blood cells.  When a white blood cell comes across a substance too dangerous even for it, it sacrifices itself by eating the substance anyway, letting itself be killed along with the foreign matter.  When this happens, other white blood cells come along and surround the dying white blood cell, touching it on all sides and staying with it as it dies  Compassion is inherent down to our very cells.
     On every level humans are astounding.  Not only under a microscope but to the naked eye in everyday observation -because of the intricate functioning of matter and spirit but more so because of how incredibly poignant and loving every vulnerable human is.  To think of someone as an evil monster associated with great crimes makes one question where they fit into humanity, unless we decide to make it a simple matter by rejecting the idea that they are really human or the belief that love is inherent to all humans.  But I do not think it is a simple matter. 
     Concerning child molesters, nearly all those interviewed who have molested children admitted to also being molested themselves as children.  Every aspect of the crimes they carried out were reflective of the crimes that had been done to them.  Science has shown that sexual assault in childhood wires the brain to connect sexuality with violence.  Science has also shown that exposure to violence in early childhood maps that exact form of violence as a subconscious reflex, unless the issue is consciously addressed whether by talking about it with a helping adult during childhood or during therapy as an adult.  Therapy is one proven way to change the 'mapping' of the brain, but few people choose to face childhood sexual abuse and attend therapy unless they are forced through circumstance, this includes victims of childhood sexual abuse that have grown into adult perpetrators.
     By themselves these are a statistics, facts, and figures but what do they show?  Certainly that no one was 'born' with a predisposition towards committing violence, or sexual assault.  To ignore the severe injury done to the bodies and minds of children and the correlating similarities to crimes committed by them as adults is a grievous error, even more so to accuse the now-adult of being "born bad", "born evil", or "born angry".  As if accusing an infant of malicious intent would put the responsibility of evil on the infant and not on the grown-up suggesting such things.  Skipping a lifetime of choices, actions, cause and effect - skipping to the conclusion of evil - makes it simple to think that a criminal is not human just like us.  That they had no mother who wiped away their tears, that they had no school crush, that they had no heroes or let-downs or heartbreaks.  That they were never vulnerable, or beautiful - or lovable.
     To be honest and admit that they have and are all those things that we are, makes them not so different from us.  So what is the difference?  They were not born evil, or with a 'bad gene'.  They likely were victims themselves, but many people are victims without becoming perpetrators.  Is it a simple choice?  What is the difference between victims who choose to fight crime and those who choose to repeat it?  Should that even make a difference to their victims?

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