Tuesday, January 31, 2012


     My sister just told me when my library book was due.  Only instead of mentioning the part about the library book, she just told me in passing when my "due date" was.  With dissociative identity disorder, I am so accustomed to people telling me things about my life that I am unaware of my brain automatically tried to take in this news of my apparent pregnancy.  It seemed old news I was supposed to know about and required action on my part.  I started to nod and try to seem nonchalant while rapidly calculating doctors appointments, financial security, the dramatic impact this would have on my life, how much I have apparently missed if we are talking about an impending due date, and reassurance that my sister seems to know about it so we must have discussed it and have it all under control.  It is so "normal" to be so uninformed and clueless about my life it didn't even occur to me to question it or start wondering just how the hell that happened.  If someone else says it's true, it probably is, it's just another big blackout in my life, another puzzle.  If they say I did something, I probably did and just don't remember a thing about it.

     I had a few drawn out seconds-that-seem-like-minutes of this, before the absurdity of it kicked in, and I thought "my WHAT?!"  By the time I realized my sister was talking about my library book we were both walking away.  She has no clue that in our tiny normal conversation she had just convinced me that I was 8-9 months pregnant.  I felt ridiculous that I would have honestly believed that, and wondered how I possibly could have.  I realized that being informed or pulled into things I know absolutely nothing about has been a normal occurrence my entire life.  I have always felt like I am an actor in a play but no one has given me my lines, and they keep skipping acts so I can't follow the plot.  I was always being quizzed in classes I never remembered taking, had various reputations I didn't remember earning, being told about things I didn't remember doing.  I 'black out' frequently while someone else is in charge of my body, so missing bits and trying to piece together my life after the fact is not at all uncommon.  In that light, assuming I was pregnant if someone told me so is not far fetched.  If I had not been diagnosed, in therapy, with alter awareness and taught to pay attention and question everything, I probably would not have caught it so fast.

No comments: