What can I say, I majored in philosophy and religious thought for a reason. I am always searching for god, not to start a debate or comparison with anyone else who may say 'you have found god, now stop,' or 'you do not know god, god is this way. Simply because I love god, to always continue searching for more, anywhere I find it/him/her.
Confessions (project for a theology class)
I am always searching, always challenging. Usually people say to me "that will get you into trouble." And I have no doubt they are right, but it is trouble that is worth it, in fact a kind of trouble that makes everything worth it. It is something very personal, and not something I would normally talk about, but I feel it is very relevant in a blog concerning Multiple Personalities, and the fragmented life that that is. Certainly it would challenge the beliefs of anyone, no matter what belief that may be. My life was split into many worlds, with a different part of myself present for each world. It was seamless to anyone who did not look closely, and no one looked closely. Now I am faced with the challenge of comprehension as all those separate worlds start to merge into one. They do not mesh. They are completely contradictory. It is hard to remember everything in my head and even when I do I balk at believing more than one at a time. In one world there is unspeakable bad and in another world there is the good christian family.
Concerning God, despite my radical ideals I was frightened by the thought that my parents could in good conscience pray to the same God I do. If they can do such horrible things in the name of their god, I want nothing to do with that god. If following their god meant hiding the truth and being forced to live in a harmful world I hated their god. So often people claim to be following God so no one will challenge them. It is frightening to think that by even entertaining the idea of thinking for yourself you are going directly against a divine power that knows what you are thinking and has absolute control over your existence. People misusing power love to be associated with God, so you will think they have God's power and God has their morals, and you will live in terror doing what they want, because it is in the name of God.
I realized they were scaring me away from God. Not the God that goes to one church and wears a flower hat on Sunday and only associates with a certain group, because I don't care about that, but they had frightened me away from MY God, the God I knew as a kid and felt all around me all the time, the God who I knew personally and needed no outside source to tell me about. Although mentally I knew otherwise, they were always speaking to me about their issues in the name of God, so part of me had actually associated them with God. I started to peer around the fear there and see that that could not be right. I knew in my gut that God existed independent of what people painted it as, and I did not need their approval to co-exist with God as I knew God, and not as they said they knew him.
The tremendous amount of guilt I had for not being on their/God's side was the same guilt that surfaces every time a person talks to me like a condescending adult to a small child, only manifest to an omnipotent level and coded into my DNA. In seeing past this I have started to see me keeping myself from God, by believing them, and worrying about it. Abuse of another human being has absolutely everything to do with excuses the one doing the hurting tells themselves, and absolutely nothing to do with God. Denying a person God is something no one can do.
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