Thursday, April 21, 2011


     I read in a book by Cameron West about being a multiple of the 'rake' of denial as he repeatedly tried to ignore what was happening with him.  I can relate.  I go through bouts of pretending that I am the only 'me' here, that the DID diagnosis stuff is just silly stuff in the past, and I'm going to move on alone as I always have.  Inevitably, I hit a wall.  It's so predictable now that I can almost count down to it: 'I'm in denial right now and 3,2,1...bam'.  Everyones' problems that have been ignored and growing bigger and bigger snowballed into a catastrophe that comes suddenly "out of the blue".  Trying get back a balanced life after running into that wall is like trying to un-knot a ball of string;
     "Well let's see we need to make a doctor's appointment, oh ____ is scared of male doctors?  I think we can find a female one, that's out of town, might be a big trip, oh OK a lot don't like big trips I think we could make it, we'd need to pack food together, yes ____ I know that's stress on you, sorry, do you think you could squeeze it in?  We'd need to make a grocery trip before, make a note... _____ would need to handle that, who knows if she'll be around.  Oh I guess we would need to check for insurance that would mean calling and asking dad....I can't do that, NONE of us can do that, well maybe ask someone to do it for you?  We'll need to get ____ to do the asking, or wait till he's around.  Yes that may take a few weeks, oh *&*^ I know why are we still on that insurance well that's another mountain to climb, let's stick with this...____  and ____ won't go?  Why?  Because of such and such which needs to be taken care of NOW this has been stewing for weeks, why have you ignored it?  Oh no, ___'s crying, loudly, do you think you could watch her for just a minute? ---oh bollocks.   Forget the appointment.  We'll put it on the list with a big asterisk, try and get around to it when you can.  We really should make one though."
     This is a typical conversation involving any kind of big decision or planning which actually involves 36 people that all need help.  After 35 of them have been generally ignored for weeks at a time, I feel a bit like a truant rebel teenager who has been blissfully strung out on ignorance for weeks only to come crashing down and put in charge of a crowd of crying babies, frightened children, homeless vagrants, sullen teenagers, traumatized women, and the gaze of adults who are older than me but I can't seem to reach.  And there are some that have their act together so much better than me I feel compelled to simply stand aside and get out of their way.  Generally the ones who need help are the ones in the forefront when I come back from my little, uh..shall we call it vacation.  Sometimes I can group with older alters to discuss and act as a team effort, but communication is erratic mainly due to my bouts of denial and extreme reluctance to work through it.  Some are quite simply out of touch for days, weeks, or months.
     I'm sure denial is part of the process, and my therapist keeps telling me to 'trust the process', but denial slows things down.  Like driving in construction kind of slow.  I wonder if I shouldn't get a huge sign for those know me, "Please bear with me, my life moves slowly".  Or skips around, or loses time, but whatever.  I worry sometimes that I am not coming to grips with things fast enough until I realize the enormity of what I have to come to grips with.  The denial I have been living in my entire life because of what just seemed to huge and unbearable to believe, all come crashing down on my life.  Have to come to terms with it sometime.  And I don't want to wait until I'm 40, I want to fix my life NOW.....oh wait, I feel a burst of energetic fixing productivity coming on, where is that to do list?  "Oh yooohooo, so what did you want to tell me...?"

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