Saturday, April 2, 2011

Jealous of Happy

     There are new articles popping up about how discontent people are becoming due to facebook.  Seeing everyone else's apparently careless yet perfect pictures, smiling in every one, posting about how happy they are, apparently makes people depressed.  Everyone wants to be that happy, to appear that happy, and everyone compares themselves just a little to all the apparently happy people they know who do not seem to have the same problems they do.  I admit, I do too.  Only not just on facebook.  I have recently noticed a pattern in my life, that I am constantly on the outside looking in at happiness, and green with envy.  'Those people seem so happy.  I want that.'  Who placed me on the outside is a number of things.  My abusers, their actions, their rules, my perceptions, my rules. 
     I cannot keep talking non-stop about 'my abusers' and saying that all the disappointment in my life is ALL their fault.  It isn't.  But neither will I hide what they have done.  As Darlene Ouimet said in an article I read recently, the purpose is not to point out the blame but to state the truth.  They laid the groundwork, and partially instructed me in how to carry it on, and through neglect and my trying to do the best I could with that groundwork I created my own survival rules that sealed it.  The wall between me and happiness.  Happiness for me would mean no longer being afraid, being healed of hurt, fixing the programing in my head, and being able to live without secrets.

     Of course I know that people are not usually as happy as they present themselves to be, but they are able to relax around people and really share without having to hold a guard up or worry about protecting themselves from hurt.  They can live life without constantly looking over their shoulder.  Occasionally there are people who are truly happy, living their life to the fullest and following their heart, and these people fascinate me.  I consider them like some exotic apparition that I examine from a distance, intrigued.  I consider that a hopeful sign for myself, to take an interest in true happiness shows a spark of life still there coming out of all the darkness and muck.
     I asked my therapist once how anyone could survive this kind of life, and she told me that no one should be able to, it is a miracle of humanity that people with Dissociative Identity Disorder do.  Because we have survived what no one should be able to survive, our lives are miracles.  If we can rise up out of that, what's to stop us from rising all the way up to being truly happy and living from the heart?

No comments: