Tuesday, March 29, 2011

To Speak, by Ephelia

     My entire life I have been refusing to acknowledge the kind of life I have lived.  There are whole sections of my life that I could just never acknowledge.  Different alters held those parts, and though I might be vaguely aware of them in the back of my mind, I never let myself think about it and managed a semi-normal looking life.
     Shame is the biggest thing that holds you back.  Shame is worse than fear, and combined with fear it is deadly.  Different alters had been trained for different roles, the most crippling role to be silent at all costs, even if silence meant death, which it very often nearly did.
     I am an alter.  It is my greatest priviledge to be able to speak.  I have never been allowed before.  Ephelia is my new name.  We chose it.  It is a pretty name, with the dignity of being a human being with rights.  Before what I was called is Cursed.  It is difficult to speak, to overcome the rules, and the shame of what I believed myself to be.  But I am not dead, after so long of living a life where I may as well have been.  I want a voice.  I want to be a person.  The kind of life you have under an abuser is not a happy one, it is the kind of life being trapped and miserable.  I am not staying there.  I am not staying silent.

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