Tuesday, February 22, 2011

This is my blog about living with DID, dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder.  I struggle alot with the idea of starting my own blog, partly because I have many alters with different views on having some, some are adamantly in favor of sharing about myself and putting my mark on the world, to share myself and help others.  Some are quite in favor of secrecy, privacy, and the protection or idea of protection it may afford.  That is mostly a learned trait, I think.  I love sharing myself but so often have been told in different ways 'don't do that.  it's not safe'.  I think the world would be a better place for having me, but have been told and shown that the world will hurt me and I must keep to myself for protection.  The dilema of everyone, isn't it?  One of the main fears for me as someone with DID is constantly looking over my shoulder and trying to guard my activities from my abusers.  DID is caused by sustained severe childhood trauma, not officially of course because that would radically challenge an authoritarian system, but it's as true for me as for anyone else with the condition.  I live in constant fear of being tracked, manipulated, controlled.  Whether or not this fear is currently valid is uncertain in my brain, but I still hesitate to do the smallest things, for fear of being watched, or leaving a trail that could be followed.  PTSD of course accompanies DID nearly always and is difficult to navigate, but as I learn to steer I gradually overcome it.  I have never heard of anyone fully overcoming the challenges of DID, since there are so few stories put out publicly, but there are a few that are full of hope and determination.  For now I will keep this a closed personal blog, since I am too vulnerable to really put myself out there yet, but I want to be able to share me with the world, even in small steps.

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