Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Living with other people inside you is not easy.  To date, I have met 36 personalities.  Some are fragments, some are fully developed personalities with their own likes, habits, and ways of thinking.  One of the most challenging things I'm learning- if you can really pick out only a few in this situation -is learning to respect everyone and ask permission to talk about them, share a story about them, or use their things.  It feels surreal to be talking in my head asking for permission or asking a question and listening for the answer.  I've always had these voices in my head but I never took them seriously, I knew they were just different aspects of me and never realized they came out to live their own life at times.  I just 'talked to myself' alot and would sometimes joke about it with other people, what an odd goof I thought I was to admit that I often tell stories to myself, sometimes sing and dance when no one's around, and am entertained by it.  Not the one doing the telling or entertaining, but everyone else in my head is entertained.  I never really thought about it hard enough to put it in words and realize that might be a bit abnormal, it's just the way I was.
I am the 'Controller'.  A self given name, a bit arrogant according to everyone else.  I like to think I'm in control.  I'm really not.  I have a hard time accepting that I'm sharing this life, this body, I like to dominate and try and take over or push others around to fit into what I think should happen with my life.  It causes tension and headaches, as I fight to be the one in charge of what the body does.  I am not even certain I know how to relinquish control.  Relinquishing control is not something I'm good at.  I just give up at a certain point when I know I'm done and take a back seat where I can usually see what's going on.  I am the 'main' personality, sort of like the computer moniter.  Not the core personality, as in the original one that I was born with, because I suspect I'm not.  I am the one who most people interact with, I am the one who tries to coordinate and keep everyone informed.  I suppose I have the priviledge of being the one who gets to live in the outside world most, for which I have been shielded from pain quite often.

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