Alice Miller and Martin Luther
This is a project I did in school towards my Philosophy and Religious Thought major. I have always admired Alice Miller and the extreme courage she had in presenting her research in child abuse and how it is perpetuated in society world wide.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Walls
I read in a book by Cameron West about being a multiple of the 'rake' of denial as he repeatedly tried to ignore what was happening with him. I can relate. I go through bouts of pretending that I am the only 'me' here, that the DID diagnosis stuff is just silly stuff in the past, and I'm going to move on alone as I always have. Inevitably, I hit a wall. It's so predictable now that I can almost count down to it: 'I'm in denial right now and 3,2,1...bam'. Everyones' problems that have been ignored and growing bigger and bigger snowballed into a catastrophe that comes suddenly "out of the blue". Trying get back a balanced life after running into that wall is like trying to un-knot a ball of string;
"Well let's see we need to make a doctor's appointment, oh ____ is scared of male doctors? I think we can find a female one, that's out of town, might be a big trip, oh OK a lot don't like big trips I think we could make it, we'd need to pack food together, yes ____ I know that's stress on you, sorry, do you think you could squeeze it in? We'd need to make a grocery trip before, make a note... _____ would need to handle that, who knows if she'll be around. Oh I guess we would need to check for insurance that would mean calling and asking dad....I can't do that, NONE of us can do that, well maybe ask someone to do it for you? We'll need to get ____ to do the asking, or wait till he's around. Yes that may take a few weeks, oh *&*^ I know why are we still on that insurance well that's another mountain to climb, let's stick with this...____ and ____ won't go? Why? Because of such and such which needs to be taken care of NOW this has been stewing for weeks, why have you ignored it? Oh no, ___'s crying, loudly, do you think you could watch her for just a minute? ---oh bollocks. Forget the appointment. We'll put it on the list with a big asterisk, try and get around to it when you can. We really should make one though."
This is a typical conversation involving any kind of big decision or planning which actually involves 36 people that all need help. After 35 of them have been generally ignored for weeks at a time, I feel a bit like a truant rebel teenager who has been blissfully strung out on ignorance for weeks only to come crashing down and put in charge of a crowd of crying babies, frightened children, homeless vagrants, sullen teenagers, traumatized women, and the gaze of adults who are older than me but I can't seem to reach. And there are some that have their act together so much better than me I feel compelled to simply stand aside and get out of their way. Generally the ones who need help are the ones in the forefront when I come back from my little, uh..shall we call it vacation. Sometimes I can group with older alters to discuss and act as a team effort, but communication is erratic mainly due to my bouts of denial and extreme reluctance to work through it. Some are quite simply out of touch for days, weeks, or months.
I'm sure denial is part of the process, and my therapist keeps telling me to 'trust the process', but denial slows things down. Like driving in construction kind of slow. I wonder if I shouldn't get a huge sign for those know me, "Please bear with me, my life moves slowly". Or skips around, or loses time, but whatever. I worry sometimes that I am not coming to grips with things fast enough until I realize the enormity of what I have to come to grips with. The denial I have been living in my entire life because of what just seemed to huge and unbearable to believe, all come crashing down on my life. Have to come to terms with it sometime. And I don't want to wait until I'm 40, I want to fix my life NOW.....oh wait, I feel a burst of energetic fixing productivity coming on, where is that to do list? "Oh yooohooo, so what did you want to tell me...?"
"Well let's see we need to make a doctor's appointment, oh ____ is scared of male doctors? I think we can find a female one, that's out of town, might be a big trip, oh OK a lot don't like big trips I think we could make it, we'd need to pack food together, yes ____ I know that's stress on you, sorry, do you think you could squeeze it in? We'd need to make a grocery trip before, make a note... _____ would need to handle that, who knows if she'll be around. Oh I guess we would need to check for insurance that would mean calling and asking dad....I can't do that, NONE of us can do that, well maybe ask someone to do it for you? We'll need to get ____ to do the asking, or wait till he's around. Yes that may take a few weeks, oh *&*^ I know why are we still on that insurance well that's another mountain to climb, let's stick with this...____ and ____ won't go? Why? Because of such and such which needs to be taken care of NOW this has been stewing for weeks, why have you ignored it? Oh no, ___'s crying, loudly, do you think you could watch her for just a minute? ---oh bollocks. Forget the appointment. We'll put it on the list with a big asterisk, try and get around to it when you can. We really should make one though."
This is a typical conversation involving any kind of big decision or planning which actually involves 36 people that all need help. After 35 of them have been generally ignored for weeks at a time, I feel a bit like a truant rebel teenager who has been blissfully strung out on ignorance for weeks only to come crashing down and put in charge of a crowd of crying babies, frightened children, homeless vagrants, sullen teenagers, traumatized women, and the gaze of adults who are older than me but I can't seem to reach. And there are some that have their act together so much better than me I feel compelled to simply stand aside and get out of their way. Generally the ones who need help are the ones in the forefront when I come back from my little, uh..shall we call it vacation. Sometimes I can group with older alters to discuss and act as a team effort, but communication is erratic mainly due to my bouts of denial and extreme reluctance to work through it. Some are quite simply out of touch for days, weeks, or months.
I'm sure denial is part of the process, and my therapist keeps telling me to 'trust the process', but denial slows things down. Like driving in construction kind of slow. I wonder if I shouldn't get a huge sign for those know me, "Please bear with me, my life moves slowly". Or skips around, or loses time, but whatever. I worry sometimes that I am not coming to grips with things fast enough until I realize the enormity of what I have to come to grips with. The denial I have been living in my entire life because of what just seemed to huge and unbearable to believe, all come crashing down on my life. Have to come to terms with it sometime. And I don't want to wait until I'm 40, I want to fix my life NOW.....oh wait, I feel a burst of energetic fixing productivity coming on, where is that to do list? "Oh yooohooo, so what did you want to tell me...?"
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Check Mate
I came to an interesting discovery today. I've always been embarrassed when people ask what I'm doing, because I don't feel like I'm doing enough. Certainly not enough for their standards which I don't really care about so much, but neither enough for mine which I do. I get stuck. And I can't explain why. I make huge progress, quite impressive really, and then come to a screeching halt. And stay there. And stay there. Can't move forward, can't move back. People sometimes think it is difficulty with everyday things that is stops me, but I believe it is really the ideas you have about life, your life filter if you will, that is sometimes flawed. Once that is set to right everyday things are incredibly easy. Get groceries, manage bank accounts, talk to lawyers, blah blah blah. Pffft.
I have been trying to take the final steps towards becoming independent from my parents. Incredibly late, and yet in some ways decades earlier than some do. I had one fairly simple step left to do and I stalled, for months. Every time I would start I would panic and shut down. As I was trying to figure out why this was so incredibly difficult, the thought popped in my head that 'my father will kill me if I try to leave him'. It's a startling revelation, but to some alters inside my head a very true assessment and a belief I had carefully molded my life around. No one in the family walks away from his power. He essentially owns and controls everyone, no matter what their age or their so called 'independence'. To break off from that would be to defy everything I knew, and if I tried it when I was young (which I did) I would actually be placing my life at risk to varying degrees (which it did).
In addition I had grown up confusing power and need with love and respect. If I stop allowing them to control me, I have probably just ended the strongest link of love I have known from them. Love without power, sadly, does not seem to exist in that world. Trying to hold on to the love I needed from them meant letting them have control, no matter how much they may abuse it. Which is not love. I finally had to accept this and gear up to move on. We're not pretending anymore. No more standstill. I waited as long as I possibly could. That is my show of love, that I wanted to give them every chance I could, and wait for their final decision. They made their decision not to change, and so I made my decision to get out. Which contrary to my upbringing is the safest thing I could do. This is love, that I love and trust and protect myself no matter what.
I have been trying to take the final steps towards becoming independent from my parents. Incredibly late, and yet in some ways decades earlier than some do. I had one fairly simple step left to do and I stalled, for months. Every time I would start I would panic and shut down. As I was trying to figure out why this was so incredibly difficult, the thought popped in my head that 'my father will kill me if I try to leave him'. It's a startling revelation, but to some alters inside my head a very true assessment and a belief I had carefully molded my life around. No one in the family walks away from his power. He essentially owns and controls everyone, no matter what their age or their so called 'independence'. To break off from that would be to defy everything I knew, and if I tried it when I was young (which I did) I would actually be placing my life at risk to varying degrees (which it did).
In addition I had grown up confusing power and need with love and respect. If I stop allowing them to control me, I have probably just ended the strongest link of love I have known from them. Love without power, sadly, does not seem to exist in that world. Trying to hold on to the love I needed from them meant letting them have control, no matter how much they may abuse it. Which is not love. I finally had to accept this and gear up to move on. We're not pretending anymore. No more standstill. I waited as long as I possibly could. That is my show of love, that I wanted to give them every chance I could, and wait for their final decision. They made their decision not to change, and so I made my decision to get out. Which contrary to my upbringing is the safest thing I could do. This is love, that I love and trust and protect myself no matter what.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Allison Crowe, Lisa's Song
For the children inside everyone looking for help.
And I mean everyone.
Nothing is impossible.
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