Disbelief: A Common Response to DID

     I get it.  You looked as uneasy and skeptical as I felt when a woman announced that she had been raised in a cult that kept her drugged and impregnated and kidnapped her five children.  "WTF?!"  Someone has just said something so outlandish, so out of your comfort zone that you at first don't know whether to feel concern or disbelief, but at the end of that three second battle disbelief wins.  "I have this thing called Dissociative Identity Disorder, it's basically a big new word for multiple personality disorder.  It's not what it sounds like- well actually it kind of is."  The sudden uncomfortable silence as your mind processes and battles that - "WTF?!"  You gaze at me reprovingly because you are my friend but I have just crossed a major line trying to pass off such a lie.  I am obviously crazy and attention seeking, and you thought I was better than that.

_________________

     "I don't believe you."  I don't know how to respond to that so I say nothing, flailing in the silence.  I briefly try to piece together some words, but I have used them all.  "Well at that point there really is nothing you can say" my therapist tells me.  I never hear from you again.

__________________

   I Google "Dissociative Identity Disorder" looking for insight, help, and support.  I find instead pages of people debating whether or not my condition exists, or whether I am just attention seeking, or a liar, or delusional.  I questioned the existence of DID too, even after my first unofficial diagnosis- until some of my alters hid half a grand of my loan money.  I definitely know better now but some days I still root for the naysayers.  I'd like to bring them cookies and milk and hide behind their vehement belief in a simple, calm, one personality per person world.  If it shields them from their fear of the existence of multiple personalities why shouldn't it shield me from my fear of it as well?  I'm told this is normal.  "Give your mind a break" my therapist says.

_________________

     We have an unexpected mandatory meeting with a financial advisor.  The lady is very nice.  She has long soft dark curly hair, soft curves, soft smile.  She folds her hands in front of her as she explains in an equally soft voice that it's not that they don't trust me, it's just that they don't think giving free account access to a person with multiple personalities is a good idea.  I stare at her stupidly and blink.  That's a good point, and I'm not offended at all.  I'm just taken by surprise at the word alters coming out of her mouth. 

________________

     I'm thinking about getting a dog.  One of my favorite choices is the Boxer.  I've read that they need to have a firm owner, one who lets them know who is the head of the pack.  As I relate this to my sister, she looks over at me with concern on her face; "But not all your alters could do that you know, you'd have to get a dog that works for all them."  I'm a bit mystified that she is bringing up the subject of my alters -wasn't there some unspoken rule that we not talk about that?  I thought it made everyone too uncomfortable, so for the most part I'd stopped mentioning them.  And I'm a bit put out that she's right.  Of course I need to choose a dog that all my alters and I can care for.  I'd just been ignoring that, the way I frequently ignore the whole "DID thing".  I realize that of the people in my life who know about my DID, I am in the decreasing minority who struggles to accept it.
     

Life in Color

     Since starting to integrate my personalities, my life has become brighter, more colorful.  Some of my youngest alters LOVE vibrant colors, and as that molds with who I am, it is reflected in my choices.  I used to gravitate toward dark, somber colors.  My wardrobe was almost strictly black, grey, and army green.  Now it looks like paint cans have been upended over my life.  My walls are a cheery peach and light woods green, that positively glows when the sun hits it in the mid-afternoon.  Our love of light and color also got us to look for a sun-catcher (hard to find in this rainy state), so our room is also frequently full of dancing rainbows.  (My wardrobe varies according to who is out when they get a chance to buy something, but there is now a conspicuous bright red pair of pants peeking out between my blacks and greys.)

     We bought some much needed footwear this year, and it wasn't really until after I got them that I noticed they were incredibly bright and colorful.  I have to say, I am quite happy with this, as it uses fun as a weapon almost against the grueling aspects of a DID life.  We are delighted to look down throughout the day and see our brightly decorated feet peeping back at us.  It is one of our most solid reminders that letting our alters out, and incorporating their likes and dislikes has only been beneficial.  Discovering I had alters and learning to share my life with them was a shock, and at times very hard.  I have always felt they are incredibly admirable and delightful, but I kept myself distant and did and still do struggle with the idea of sharing my "out" time, and my life in general.  We all do.  However as we start to integrate I am still admiring and feel at times privileged, bettered as a person for being able to integrate with them.

 

       We are on a waiting list for an apartment, and in preparation have bought most of our future kitchen things (and that is pretty much all we were excited to focus on).  It is all boxed up under our bed.  The fantastic array of color this time is very deliberate, now being aware of how powerful color is as a therapy tool in general, but especially for us.  Other people may cringe at the color choices of our kitchen ware but we are, I would say, gleeful.  We spend a lot of time in the kitchen, and we cannot wait to cook using our orange and red stoneware, blue pots, purple bowl, purple blender, yellow cups, and neon green spoons.  We are even (slightly) looking forward to doing the dishes, seeped and surrounded in our color oasis.  We have absolutely proved that color therapy works for us, it is a huge contribution from my alters that I am very happy with.

The Backlash of Sexual Abuse Claims

The world needs to be better educated about facts behind sexual abuse claims, especially those who work with it in the legal system.  Concerning that legal system, how sexual abuse claims are treated could use an overhaul. A look at it in an article from the Leadership Council on Child Abuse and Interpersonal Violence;

What Can We Learn from The Accusations Against Woody Allen?
www.leadershipcouncil.org

That Looming Shadow

     Dun, dun dun dun DUUUUUUUN!  And there it goes.  My alters have been quiet for weeks, and I always have mixed reactions from being relieved to being on edge when they go silent like that.  I try to tell myself it's just because I'm doing soooo good, that they don't need to pop up anymore with their problems, we're healing, we're getting better, wahoo!  Which is partly true, I am making progress and so crises happen less often and everything, including alter life, is more manageable.  Or because we're partially integrated, which is also partly true with some.  But when they don't respond to my checking in, or trying to give them a nudge it feels . . . ominous.  Like when you're talking to someone and they go silent and their eyes go wide and they're not looking at you but at something behind you . . . something really big behind you. . . .  For the most part, I ignore the unease that this causes and take advantage of me time getting as much done as I can.  Occasionally I'll have a few moments of doubt; "They're quiet.  Too quiet."  But I just shake it off.   And then one day turn around and there is that big secret, that big memory, that big realization that was just too much to handle before.  "Oh.  OH."  And damn if it doesn't suddenly all make sense.  It's bittersweet, really.  I am making progress.  I'm still making progress.  But it is not as free and easy as I was hoping.

Will Be Back Later

Trauma, Laughter, and Happiness

     During hard times in life it can be difficult to find someone who will listen or stay in a close relationship with you because most people don't like to be around a "downer".  Since trauma is outside the box of every day experiences that most people can relate to, it often makes them uncomfortable.   Some people try to understand, some people get angry, and many people just ignore it the best they can.  In general, people prefer to be around happy people.  The ones who get angry at hearing about trauma or at the person dealing with the after-effects of trauma are usually angry with at them for not being happy enough.  The ones who ignore it all can't deal with them not being happy enough.  Obviously, we would all prefer to BE happy ourselves.

     For me carrying around my trauma has been like having a giant boulder strapped to my back.  It goes with me wherever I go.  Now, clearly, I want the boulder gone.  I get very cross when people insist that I have chosen to pick up and carry the boulder.  Or when they tell me that I can just "choose" to "let go" and put the boulder down.  I do not believe trauma is something you can just "let go" without coming to terms with it, and that takes as long as it takes, it is a different time frame for everyone.  There is no "wrong" time frame to heal.  Real happiness is not a front to make other people comfortable, and a forced fake happiness is one of the worst miseries of all.  That is not the kind of happiness I am talking about in the rest of this post.  Laughter and happiness as the real thing can be used both to help get through trauma and to serve as a sign of recovery from trauma.  

     Laughter, oddly enough, can at times pair nicely with deep, dark, trauma.  It is such a paradox to the darkest layers of our psych that it balances it out, and helps to balance us out.  Humans are surprisingly resilient and one of our remarkable comebacks is the ability to laugh during and after our darkest points in life.  Some of the comedians and actors who play humorous roles that I admire most have surprisingly sad or difficult pasts; Ellen DeGeneres first saw the power of humor in her childhood helping her mother after a divorce.  After living through sexual abuse in her teens and enduring the world's recoil after becoming the most prominent openly gay public figure, Ellen is now one of the most well known (and now, well loved) people in the world who is famous for making people laugh every day.  Kelsey Grammer is known most for his role in the comedy show "Cheers" and "Frasier", but he used acting to help him cope with the violent individual murders of his father and sister, and the tragic deaths of his two half brothers in a diving accident.  Alan Alda spent years struggling to come to terms with his mothers' mental illness, but starred as a doctor in MASH, a comedy dealing with some very serious issues surrounding war.  His condition to take the part was that every episode have a scene in the operating room, so the show would not be a comedy that belittled or ignored the consequences of war.  Danny Kaye's mother died just before he became a teenager, right as he started to establish himself as a comedian with his peers.  Just a few years later he dropped out of school to start his life in show business and comedy.  All the comedians that I love I discover have dealt with very grim subjects in the past, and use their comedic relief to ponder serious subjects.  Perhaps that is why I am drawn to them.  Perhaps trauma and comedy are not irreconcilable after all.

    Oftentimes in dealing with trauma -most often- laughter is not possible, or at all appropriate.  And when laughter is appropriate it can surprising, irreverent, hysterical, giddy, daring, or deliberately pushy.  I think genuine laughter after trauma is the first real heartbeat of a life that is starting to live again.  Even though laughter can be a tool to help through trauma, I don't think true complete happiness can be reached until the trauma has been resolved and the brain has come to terms with it and made peace with it.  As I progress in therapy, memory work, and integration, laughter comes easier  The reality of memories that I'm able to increasingly deal with are more dark and heavy, but I can go work through them and come out feeling lighter and more whole.  More than I have ever been in my life.  Free to be happy.  Joy as a state of being isn't something I have, but I can see it on the horizon.  I keep brushing past it, catching a glimpse now and then.  And in between my dark moments and sometimes even during them I can laugh, and be happy.

     Trauma has the ability to strip us to the bone of who we are as human beings.  This happens not only during the trauma itself, however drawn out that may be, but during the long aftermath.  It is easy to think that the aftermath is a permanent state, and that there will be no room for happiness again.  As it turns out, down at that state of being stripped to our core, we are not our trauma.  In our natural state we are light and happy, and laughter comes very easily.

"God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches you by means of opposites,

so that you will have two wings to fly – not one."

-Rumi

Vulnerable

     I've been considering what I should write here, or if I should write here, because I like what I'm doing and I want to continue this blog.  It's a tool to help others, and myself (selves) by sharing humanity and honesty.  I believe this is one of the best ways to bring healing, not only to a mental condition caused by abuse but to a majority of the problems in the world.  So I've decided the best topic to write about today is that I don't want to write.  I don't want to share.  I am at some point of integrating with alters, I really couldn't say how far.  The more I learn about them, the more I start to integrate with them and our focus becomes less on the trials of living with many people in one body and turns to what caused it all in the first place.  The magnitude of it all makes me want to hide under a rock.  Everything is less distant, less objective.  More real, more personal.  Having different alters knowledge and memory come together like one giant puzzle is a constant shock, like living inside a thunder clap.  It reverberates down to your bones and leaves you reeling.  There's not much you can say living in a thunder clap, after it has shaken your defenses away.  Everything is far too vulnerable.