Saturday, September 10, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Honestly: a day in the life
I filled out government forms applying for assistance this week, and again had to push myself to be honest. To tell the truth about things that I had so carefully hidden my whole life, about what life with DID is like. It's important for myself to speak out about it because silence has been such a destructive rule my entire life. Hiding that secret was taking the burden of that on myself, and it was not something I should have ever felt the need to stay silent on, then or now. My form questions went something like this;
Describe your day I know that I wake late, eat and care for myself, spend time on the computer emailing, researching, watching shows. I know that I spend time each day cooking and usually exercising. However I can never remember one day all the way through. At the end of the day I can remember snippets, but I am never sure exactly what I did, so I can't tell you, because I don't really know.
Do you have any trouble grooming, washing, feeding, bathing, using the bathroom? I try to be dressed and groomed each day. Usually other alters come out in the morning so it is often 2-3 hours before I can get around to that. Showering is considered a waste of time to alters struggling to get some much sought "out" time, so between 38 alters showering usually happens every 2, or often 3 days, and even then reluctantly. I am sometimes not in control of my body when another alter is "in front" so to speak, and many times cannot feel my body. At these times it is difficult to have the awareness and control to do things like eat and use the toilet in a timely manner, or put a jacket on when cold, etc.
How does your illness/condition affect your ability to sleep? The more tired I am, the harder it is to keep control of my body. Different alters come out at night and are unaware or don't care how tired the body is. I often only get any sleep after the body has collapsed from exhaustion. PTSD makes it difficult to sleep at night. No matter how tired I am I have been unable to fall asleep before 2a.m. for the last year. Because some alters have been conditioned not to be around other people, I have trouble feeling safe enough to sleep soundly if there is anyone else home. I often sleep early in the day when no one is home, it is the only time I can sleep soundly. One alter keeps me unconscious after I try and wake if there is someone else in the house. This always lasts 2-3 hours no matter how I fight it. Switching sometimes causes headaches and sleepiness, making it difficult to feel fully awake throughout the day, regardless of how much or how little sleep I have gotten the night before.
Does your illness/condition limit your ability to drive? Because of constant switching with alters that do not know how to drive, including child alters, it is unsafe for me to drive.
How does your illness/condition affect your ability to work? I cannot drive to work. I cannot predict how much I will be capable of at any given day or time. I cannot reliably remember information or scheduling for work. I have trouble focusing or understanding verbal instructions. I cannot prepare and bring food to work to take care of my food allergies with constant switching. Because of some alters' conditioning, I have severe difficulty being near or interacting with other people.
List any hobbies or interests you have. I have 38 alternate personalities of all ages and genders, they all have their own interests and hobbies, ranging from martial arts, yoga, coloring books, guitar, cello, violin, penny whistle, harmonica, drawing, crafts, fashion, painting, boxing, watching shows (all kinds), reading (all kinds), studying french (other various languages), rollerblading, belly dancing, running, herbology, emergency medicine, alternative medicine, playing dress up, lunastix/fire dancing, photography, throwing knives/throwing stars/archery.
How well or often do you do these interests or hobbies? Sporadically. Alters are rarely out frequently enough to spend much time on their hobbies unless it is shared by others, so few are at an advanced level.
How does your illness/condition affect (speaking, talking, movement, memory)? When another alter is "in front" I am often unable to speak, talk, move, sometimes see, to varying degrees. Sometimes I can do these things as monitored by them by what they allow, ex: able to speak but not about a certain subject. Often when someone else is speaking to me I find myself inert and unable to respond. DID appears to make me very forgetful, not because I am or any of my alters are, but because they each have their own individual memory, and information is not always shared between alters.
How well do you handle stress? Considering that I live with quite a bit of stress in my day to day I suppose I handle it quite well. I do have PTSD and panic attacks, and things that would seem normal to others, such as going out in public, can be quite frightening to me. However I am making good progress and expect to continue to do so.
Describe your day I know that I wake late, eat and care for myself, spend time on the computer emailing, researching, watching shows. I know that I spend time each day cooking and usually exercising. However I can never remember one day all the way through. At the end of the day I can remember snippets, but I am never sure exactly what I did, so I can't tell you, because I don't really know.
Do you have any trouble grooming, washing, feeding, bathing, using the bathroom? I try to be dressed and groomed each day. Usually other alters come out in the morning so it is often 2-3 hours before I can get around to that. Showering is considered a waste of time to alters struggling to get some much sought "out" time, so between 38 alters showering usually happens every 2, or often 3 days, and even then reluctantly. I am sometimes not in control of my body when another alter is "in front" so to speak, and many times cannot feel my body. At these times it is difficult to have the awareness and control to do things like eat and use the toilet in a timely manner, or put a jacket on when cold, etc.
How does your illness/condition affect your ability to sleep? The more tired I am, the harder it is to keep control of my body. Different alters come out at night and are unaware or don't care how tired the body is. I often only get any sleep after the body has collapsed from exhaustion. PTSD makes it difficult to sleep at night. No matter how tired I am I have been unable to fall asleep before 2a.m. for the last year. Because some alters have been conditioned not to be around other people, I have trouble feeling safe enough to sleep soundly if there is anyone else home. I often sleep early in the day when no one is home, it is the only time I can sleep soundly. One alter keeps me unconscious after I try and wake if there is someone else in the house. This always lasts 2-3 hours no matter how I fight it. Switching sometimes causes headaches and sleepiness, making it difficult to feel fully awake throughout the day, regardless of how much or how little sleep I have gotten the night before.
Does your illness/condition limit your ability to drive? Because of constant switching with alters that do not know how to drive, including child alters, it is unsafe for me to drive.
How does your illness/condition affect your ability to work? I cannot drive to work. I cannot predict how much I will be capable of at any given day or time. I cannot reliably remember information or scheduling for work. I have trouble focusing or understanding verbal instructions. I cannot prepare and bring food to work to take care of my food allergies with constant switching. Because of some alters' conditioning, I have severe difficulty being near or interacting with other people.
List any hobbies or interests you have. I have 38 alternate personalities of all ages and genders, they all have their own interests and hobbies, ranging from martial arts, yoga, coloring books, guitar, cello, violin, penny whistle, harmonica, drawing, crafts, fashion, painting, boxing, watching shows (all kinds), reading (all kinds), studying french (other various languages), rollerblading, belly dancing, running, herbology, emergency medicine, alternative medicine, playing dress up, lunastix/fire dancing, photography, throwing knives/throwing stars/archery.
How well or often do you do these interests or hobbies? Sporadically. Alters are rarely out frequently enough to spend much time on their hobbies unless it is shared by others, so few are at an advanced level.
How does your illness/condition affect (speaking, talking, movement, memory)? When another alter is "in front" I am often unable to speak, talk, move, sometimes see, to varying degrees. Sometimes I can do these things as monitored by them by what they allow, ex: able to speak but not about a certain subject. Often when someone else is speaking to me I find myself inert and unable to respond. DID appears to make me very forgetful, not because I am or any of my alters are, but because they each have their own individual memory, and information is not always shared between alters.
How well do you handle stress? Considering that I live with quite a bit of stress in my day to day I suppose I handle it quite well. I do have PTSD and panic attacks, and things that would seem normal to others, such as going out in public, can be quite frightening to me. However I am making good progress and expect to continue to do so.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Supernova 2, Is Anyone Worth Giving Up On?
I have heard people say that all child molesters should be shot, that they can't change and so should be taken out of the picture. The general sentiment seems to follow this. No one knows how to "fix" child molesters and most people acknowledge the severity of the crime with seething hate towards those who commit it. Maybe because of this so few accept how prevalent this crime is. I don't think people wishing death on child molesters realize they are talking about a significant percent of the grown human population, or that they are talking about some of the most well respected and prestigious people in their life. It is hard to find solid statistics on a crime so infrequently reported. Speaker Angela Shelton calls the hidden prevalence of sexual abuse in America an "epidemic". According to the U.S. Department of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics, child molestation is one of the most under reported crimes, with 1-10% cases reported. They also state that "In almost half the child molestation cases, the child was the convicted sex offender's son, daughter, or relative". In her article "Does Incest Hurt Worse Than Grief?", Cendra Lynn reported that in her work as a clinical psychologist an estimate of 50% of men as child abusers is low. RAINN, the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network states in its statistics that 60% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police, that 15 out of 16 rapists will never spend a day in jail, and that 2/3 of assaults are committed by someone known to the victim.We like to think that rapists and child molesters are unfathomable monsters and distance ourselves from them as much as possible. Few people can accept knowing that someone they love has committed such a crime because we call those people monsters. And yet an overwhelming percent of our population are child abusers, child molesters, and rapists. Of these, a significant amount, at least 25%, of perpetrators are trusted family members and friends. Any sexual harassment, molestation or assault between family members is by definition incest. 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime, 1 in 6 men. The high rate of victims is no less stunning than the high rate of perpetrators. Where does this come from? Is the human race made up primarily of heartless monsters committing unthinkable crimes? Is the desire to rape and harm innate? Was well over a fourth of our population "born bad", or "monstrous", or "without a conscience"?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Love Still
I am so relieved and so happy to know that I love my family absolutely, and nothing takes that away. I don't love them any less than I ever did back when I still thought of us as a fairly normal family. Sometimes I hate, and hurt a lot, but the most triumphant thing in healing and working through everything is to discover that I am made of love and the most hateful, hurtful thing in the world does not lessen that. The most hateful, hurtful thing in the world does not lessen my love for others. I had not lost myself.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Reclaiming My Humanity
The biggest secret of my life was that I was sub-human. I had limbs and skin and a nose like everyone else but I was too shameful and disgusting by my mere act of existing to warrant respect or love from anybody. The core message of every terrorizing, bullying, violation, brainwashing, and sadistic game by my father was humiliation. I brought out his disgust. I was given this message repeatedly all my life, along with the message that I should be exceedingly grateful to him for loving me anyway, and to be careful not to let anyone else find out or they would sneer and reject me as he had often done. And I was. Very grateful. I worshipped the ground he walked on out of desperate gratitude for loving me, and in return I was loyal to a fault. I did not question his assessment of me. I did not even think about it, just accepted it as I accepted that grass is green, I was shameful. More shameful than any other human could possibly be. In public we both played along as the good family, and I dissociated enough to buy it whenever we were, but any compliments I received or good qualities I had were just window dressing, and we both knew it. I never forgot that.
I have heard any promise or oath a child utters becomes embedded in the mind deeper every time they repeat it, until it becomes a part of their psyche. Mine certainly was. Being near people was a trigger to bring out that alter who had been ingrained with the believe that she was abhorrently disgusting. It was too dangerous to be around people, who might find out what I truly was and break the big secret, that horrible secret that they would hate me for. With her out around people, I was usually extremely tense, and often started to shake and get extreme stomach ailments. These were only treated with revulsion as proof of my nature, so that I could have no doubt. Only dad and I knew my secret, and we never spoke of it, although the reminders of what she was- of what I was- were frequent. I was only completely safe alone, and mostly safe around him because he was the only person who would accept and love me for what I was. "I am not good enough to be around people", had been thoroughly ingrained, and following that, "I cannot be around people" became a rule of my psyche. An impenetrable wall that was never ever to be questioned.
Even without conscious awareness of the rule, severe tension and stomach ailments still enforced it, until I became the most devout prodigy of solitude and silence. I have gone to extreme lengths to obey it. I avoided any group activity or extra-curricular program. I avoid long trips other than by myself. I avoid restaurants. I do not date. I do not go out in large crowds. I never enter a room without an escape route. Lately my bed-room has been under remodel and I have tried sleeping in the yard, the garage, and the car to avoid being too close to people. Looking back through friends photos and albums I realize how much I have missed out on growing up, in high school, in college, because I was not allowed to socialize because of that inner rule that I could not voice to anyone.
I forget about it when it is not a problem. As if my mind deliberately discards any memory of it when it is not an issue. So I can forget what a problem I have. So I can forget that the person I was closest to treated me as lower than dirt, and conditioned me to be incapable of normal social interaction. So I can pretend to be human along with everyone else and ignore that I have one big, huge secret.
Perhaps the most important thing I have learned in therapy is that psyche walls can be broken. They take time and patience, but no erroneous belief is ever set in stone. I cannot just tell myself that I am as good as everyone else and believe it, but with time I can break the beliefs that say otherwise, and no longer live by hidden rules that prevent me from living my life.
I have heard any promise or oath a child utters becomes embedded in the mind deeper every time they repeat it, until it becomes a part of their psyche. Mine certainly was. Being near people was a trigger to bring out that alter who had been ingrained with the believe that she was abhorrently disgusting. It was too dangerous to be around people, who might find out what I truly was and break the big secret, that horrible secret that they would hate me for. With her out around people, I was usually extremely tense, and often started to shake and get extreme stomach ailments. These were only treated with revulsion as proof of my nature, so that I could have no doubt. Only dad and I knew my secret, and we never spoke of it, although the reminders of what she was- of what I was- were frequent. I was only completely safe alone, and mostly safe around him because he was the only person who would accept and love me for what I was. "I am not good enough to be around people", had been thoroughly ingrained, and following that, "I cannot be around people" became a rule of my psyche. An impenetrable wall that was never ever to be questioned.
Even without conscious awareness of the rule, severe tension and stomach ailments still enforced it, until I became the most devout prodigy of solitude and silence. I have gone to extreme lengths to obey it. I avoided any group activity or extra-curricular program. I avoid long trips other than by myself. I avoid restaurants. I do not date. I do not go out in large crowds. I never enter a room without an escape route. Lately my bed-room has been under remodel and I have tried sleeping in the yard, the garage, and the car to avoid being too close to people. Looking back through friends photos and albums I realize how much I have missed out on growing up, in high school, in college, because I was not allowed to socialize because of that inner rule that I could not voice to anyone.
I forget about it when it is not a problem. As if my mind deliberately discards any memory of it when it is not an issue. So I can forget what a problem I have. So I can forget that the person I was closest to treated me as lower than dirt, and conditioned me to be incapable of normal social interaction. So I can pretend to be human along with everyone else and ignore that I have one big, huge secret.
Perhaps the most important thing I have learned in therapy is that psyche walls can be broken. They take time and patience, but no erroneous belief is ever set in stone. I cannot just tell myself that I am as good as everyone else and believe it, but with time I can break the beliefs that say otherwise, and no longer live by hidden rules that prevent me from living my life.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
my blue hair. her blue hair. our blue hair? The Blue Hair.
New therapy technique for multiples: hair dye. As I become better informed about various alters they seem to work better, or some start to merge. Letting them pursue their own interests and leave their mark in my life helps to solidify their presence, since everyone is reminded of them more frequently when they are gone, and helps to incorporate them into daily life. Letting one alter go ahead and dye part of our hair works great for merging since everyone will see that part of her every time we look in a mirror. Letting the exuberance spill out into everyday life shares it with everyone else, to make it a less volatile package when it does arrive. It also lets that alter be out more firmly with other alters present, to merge with and pick up on their grounding and calm.
Seeing as I don't leave home often, this seemed the perfect time to get that blue hair I/we/she's always wanted. Now I can fulfill that goal of going grocery shopping with blue hair (Weird I know. But I'm a little obsessed with food. Now maybe I can move on to bigger things). And it won't end with blue. We've got a little list of wild colors stored up that we've always wanted. The rotten part is that we get so set on what we want it's a bit hard to adjust when it turns out differently. What I wanted to look like dark blue ended up more like looking like sea green.
But oh well it's still good. I think every one's reaction from seeing themselves in the mirror with blue hair so far has been excited to amused to indifferent. The facial muscles they use are drastically different for some, so that I've started recognizing who is in the mirror, or even in photographs. They use different expressions in the face and in the eyes. So much so that it almost looks like a different set of eyes, indeed a different person looking out at you. Having colored hair takes the aspect of one alter and fixes it to every alter, so even though it is not their own they are very aware of it. It raises co-consciousness for them and helps to put everyone on the same level of awareness, which helps merging or at least working together go better. Next on the embrace-alters-and-start-to-merge-with-enthusiasm list: take up boxing.
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