"Let Go of Your Anger"

     I have been told this so many times in so many ways.  First growing up in an extremely strict religious and abusive home, the rule was 'don't you dare get angry.  don't show anger.  turn the other cheek.'  In fact, it was so dangerous to show anger at home that I have an alter specifically to contain the anger and not let it out.  One raised voice in our family and everyone turned white, any perceived rebellion was met with such harsh and out of proportion punishment that I usually ended up groveling and mumbling a string of 'sorries' when confronted with any displeasure on the face of anyone I ever met.  Because I was a good obedient child, I was a doormat.  The only problem- for my abusers anyway- is that it was not a fool proof system.  Eventually I cracked.  My angry alter got out.

                                                                    

     Then there's religion.  Forgiveness.  I clung to religion growing up to get me through torture, excruciating pain, loneliness, and neglect.  I do not regret it, I formed a very strong connection to God, the earth, and though I was fragmented, myself.  The institution I have found highly questionable, often mirroring, allowing and encouraging abusive situations, so I left.  As a sexual abuse survivor I hear so often the importance of forgiveness, in fact that's usually the first thing many people will jump on as soon as they hear of any kind of horrid abuse: "You need to forgive that person."  I am strongly adamant that I do not.  Forgiveness is an individual choice, and not at all required for healing.  It was such a relief for me to read in "The Courage to Heal" that it is insulting to suggest to any survivor of abuse that she should forgive her abuser.  I completely agree, and I am in fact offended whenever I hear or read someone telling me or another survivor that they need to forgive.

     I have worked with many alternative medicine practitioners, and although I find them quite knowledgeable of the connection between mind and body, even they back away when confronted with the reality of such a frightening reason for problems between mind and body.  They have no problem telling me that I am full of anger, but instead of getting to the root cause of that or suggesting working through it, they hastily tell me to just 'let go of it', especially as I start to tell them that yes, I am aware of the anger, this is why-.  Nope.  Not listening.  "Just let it go."  If after that the physical problem or anger persists, it is all my fault, because I was too stubborn and unable to "let go of my anger".  God forbid I should actually do something with it.

     Most people I have met, unless they are healing survivors themselves, or supporters of those who are, refuse to look at the horrific realities of abuse in our society and its effects.  They do not want survivors to even acknowledge that it happened, much less admit that a survivor should be entitled to the natural human reaction to such appalling treatment that is anger.  It has taken me a while to learn that my angry alter is not dangerous to me but one of my best champions.  She is a fighter, much like the one depicted above, and she is extremely insightful and always willing to stand up for the truth.  She is not a wannabe man, but very feminine, and very dangerous.  The more I let her out the safer I am, and the brighter I shine.  I don't have to be so afraid of speaking out with her guarding my back.  I don't think she is afraid of anyone, because really, who would cross this chick? 

     Anger is a necessary part of healing.  Everyone who has been hurt is bound to be angry about it.  It is what you do with it that matters.