Communication

     It's challenging, isn't it?  For everyone, I imagine.  And yet communication is one of the most fascinating aspects of life; interaction, observing expression, a light in the eyes, a pull of the mouth, body language, words- how we string them together and let them spill out of our mouths.

   Expression is a wonderful new freedom for me, one that I am gradually growing into.  I always knew how to explain and articulate well, but never to express from the heart.  To say what is REALLY going on.  One aspect in some individuals with DID who have been severely abused or programmed is what is called "cement mouth".  An occasional physical inability to speak.  One of my alters is mute, but silence on certain subjects has been the rule for all.  For some, the rule "don't speak" is very literal, and so writing or drawing is an acceptable way to get around it.  Because of this in our house we have created a 'safe zone' of messaging via computer, so that we can still discuss things that are problematic or stressful.  It is a designated area where anyone in the house can feel free to bring up any problem without fear of retaliation or judgment, where everyone will listen and think before writing a reply, and everyone will work towards a solution benefiting everybody.

     With all communication I have used a 'cheat sheet' I found on a DID support site.  Even the most basic steps like "listen," "pay attention to your feelings," "be honest," "be respectful," are new steps to me.  As basic as they are they don't seem to be commonly used.  Communication is vital to a multiple system, but invaluable outside of it also.  The biggest block I have seen to effective communication inside and outside of a multiple system is fear.  In fact working with my multiple system has provided a good model for insight into the rest of the world: 

     No one feels free to speak freely if they do not feel safe.  One does not feel safe sometimes from misconceptions, but more commonly from an unconscious awareness of danger or limitations one is living under.  Effective communication must always go hand in hand with an awareness of self and the environment, the responsibility (ability to react) to create and maintain boundaries, and the safety that comes as a result from having them.

     Effective communication is always based on equality.  No one in a power based relationship can communicate openly because the power balance is lopsided, and therefore one holds fear over the other.  To attempt to communicate openly in this situation would challenge the power balance and either push it to become equal or break apart.  Power relationships always require silence to last, and the one with the lesser power to choose between denial or misery.
    
     Communication in relationships of equality needs to be constant.  Unlike power relationships with established rules, relationships with equal members takes effort from all members.  Without continual communication, equal relationships will either fall apart or slide into a power based one.

     Since this is Martin Luther King day here in the U.S., this post is sort of my shout out to free speech, liberty, social justice, etc.  Communication is huge part of that, both changing power based relationships into equal ones, from a personal and national level, to allowing full expression and fulfillment inside them.  And sort of like the saying "Freedom is not free," good communication takes WORK, and guts.  It can give you freedoms, but it requires you to step up.

 
     

Perceptions of Mental Illness After Mass Shootings

     I (we) have been watching with growing concern the increase in mass shootings around the country and the ideas it is forming and bringing out in people concerning the mentally ill.  In my own personal studies of humanity in crime (see Supernova posts), I have noticed that whenever atrocious crimes are committed people instantly try to distance their identity from the perpetrator.  Perhaps the incredulity of what one person in their identity group has done leads to a nagging fear in the back of their minds of what they themselves are capable of.  In any case, distancing oneself from the person who has committed immoral, shameful, or misunderstood acts seems to be the first gut reaction when the deed is made public. "They cannot really be human" people exclaim in astonishment.  Or they find reassurance in pointing to a group they do not associate with as the cause for such terrible actions.  I have been alarmed at the reassurance people seem to find in automatically assuming that mass shooters are mentally ill, or in cases of confirmed mental illness, that they believe the mental illness to be the root cause of such extreme violence.

     While some people who believe mental illness to be the cause of mass shootings are pushing for better mental health care in the US, which is desperately needed, I am concerned about the serious detrimental consequences such a belief will have to the community of people living with mental illness.  First off, we share in the shock and grief of the national and universal community we are also a part of when we hear about such crimes.  Secondly it is an unfair affront to automatically lump us together with criminals simply because of a condition which is completely out of our control. Mental illness does not a criminal make.  Being mentally ill does not make a person dangerous.

      Not to mention it is unjust (I won't say unfair) to the perpetrators in assuming they must be mentally deranged to be capable of committing such a violent act.  Or that mental illness is the only reason they would commit such a thing.  Such an act is beyond asking for help, but it is a scream that is MEANT to be heard worldwide.  I ache for them as I do for the victims they have taken.  I can see that some mental illness may make them more predisposed to act on such rage and despair, but rage and despair are things not belonging solely to mental illness, but rather to the human condition.  It is impossible for any human to point to these lost souls and be able to honestly say "They are not one of us!".  The pain and emotion that beat in them is a pain and emotion that beats in all of us; the numbness that blinds them to a sacred reverence for life we have all proven ourselves capable of in lesser degrees.  PAIN is what causes people to kill.  Not guns.  Not mental illness.  Trying to control guns and mental illness may help curb mass destruction but will not address the root cause; ignoring it will only cause that root issue to grow.  I firmly believe that disowning these men will only widen the rift inside ourselves and between each other, and turn a blind eye towards further destruction in the future.

     Another worry about the growing animosity towards mental illness is that most people who live with it will not be in a position to speak out and defend themselves.  Either their mental illness prevents them from organizing and expressing coherent thought, or the stigma against mental health shames them from admitting to anyone that they have a disorder.  The perception of mental illness is already so poorly understood that most people try to deal with it quietly with as few people in their lives knowing about it as possible.  It is easy to pile a stigma on the brand of mental health when no one can speak against it without blowing their cover or making themselves a target.

     I believe the point we are at now in history can be a good turning point if we can learn to truly communicate and listen to each other, not just with our ears and minds, but our whole being.  We need to share ourselves, to express ourselves with each other.  Something needs to be done, not just on a legal level, or a national level, but on a heart level, individually and as a community.

                         

That Question

     Today we had a dentist appointment at 9a.m..  Since for various reasons we have been a night owl for the last few months, we decided the only way to pull this off was to yank our schedule down a bit this week and then pull an all night-er the night before.  Yeah, won't be doing THAT again any time soon. 
     So while we were sitting in the dentist chair (the awesome one that silently glides up and down so I feel like I'm on a mini roller coaster), wearing the sun glasses she gave me to shade against the overhead glare (awesome sun glasses that made me feel like a rock star), two things happened worth mentioning.  First, it occurred to me that while I was happy not to be freaking out at the dentist as I had feared, I was enjoying this way too much.  I nearly shared my glee with the dental hygienist about the rising chair and the rock star shades but rather unsuccessfully covered it up.  I began to ponder that we seriously need to get out more. 
     Then we began that awkward attempt at a two way conversation while one person is holding sharp objects and electric powered tools in the others' mouth.  That's usually the worst part of a dentist trip for many abuse survivors.  I don't have it too bad, but it makes some alters very nervous or frightened.  But the hygienist was very careful and cheerful, giving me plenty of breaks in which I was able to actually reply enough for us to hold a real conversation, which I felt rather proud of.  Good distraction.  The not so good part of the good distraction was my ability as an unemployed person who has suffered severe trauma and is now mentally incapacitated for the time being, to have good answers for the most basic polite conversation starters. 

     "So what do you do?" 

     I live off the goodwill of others while I take an excruciating long time to heal from brainwashing, sexual assault, and torture.       *cricket chirps*
     "Um, I don't work.  I do stuff at home."

     "What are you doing for the rest of the day/weekend?"

     Oh yeah, people actually plan stuff like this.  How would I know what I'll be doing in four hours?
     "I . . .  stay so busy planning for stuff during the week I don't plan for the weekend, I just crash."

     "Oh, that's too bad."

    Nothing like giving a fake answer to avoid eliciting pity only to elicit pity anyway because you're fake answer was just so lame.  So as I learned today, if there are things in your life you can't discuss with strangers and the most basic social questions throw you off guard, you need an alibi.  An alias, if you will.  Prepare for these kinds of questions beforehand and practice them.  You don't have to lie, but know in advance what you are comfortable sharing and what you are not.  Be prepared to share at least something or deflect the question in a way that leaves both you and the other person comfortable.

MPD Frasier Quotes

      I know I have not posted in awhile, here is a bit of Multiple Personality humor from one of my favorite TV shows;



"I really have to go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags."  -Niles Crane



http://www.popscreen.com/p/MTQwMjI3Mjcx/Free-desktop-backgrounds-with-frasier-october-wallpaper-300882


"Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to, but I had a crisis with a patient. One of my multiples had a new personality emerge - a one-hundred-and-ten-year-old Frenchwoman. It would have been too risky to put off his therapy. Plus I would have missed out on a wonderful recipe for bouillabaisse." - Niles Crane


"Oh yes, I had the same trouble with some of my multiple personality patients; one would always claim that the other one sent the check." Frasier Crane

Tea with Depression

     I've been trying lately to list reasons to be happy about my life in the hopes to inspire me enough to get out of bed when I wake up.  It doesn't work.  I dread getting up to another day, a little paltry list of reasons isn't enough to stave it off.  "My stomach has been feeling really good, I have that yummy jello, I got some new clothes".  It's just not enough.  I know it's about alters needing time out or needing a break, and this comes and goes as part of the process, but I just want to say it sucks.  And I'm OK with that for now.  I want to be able to say to people "I'm depressed" without having them suddenly be uncomfortable like they are sitting with a leper, or make me feel like I should be ashamed or try to hide it.  Sometimes life just sucks, it happens to everyone.  I see no reason to douse it with rainbows and bubbles in an attempt to cover it up so it won't run the risk of making other people uncomfortable.  I can sit with the way I am and just experience it, to be with it instead of dissociating from it.  I stay aware of it, and take precautions, so I know I am letting it go through me instead of becoming something that could be dangerous to me.  No one is yet desperate or harmful, we have an appointment scheduled and we can sit tight until then: meanwhile having a cup of tea next to Depression, Calm, and Acceptance discussing the weather and all our combined observances and hopes for life.

Multiple Personalities and Allergies

     Allergies in a multiple can be complicated.  My therapist told me I didn't need to worry about it right away, but I've found it's good to at least get a handle on or to at least have a general idea of what's going on in allergies with a multiple system.  In a person with multiple personalities, different alters can have different physical conditions.  They may have different ranges of vision, different chronic conditions, or different susceptibilities.  One alter may be allergic to something that the rest are not.  I'm finding this to be true in my system and it is a circus to try and figure out.  Fortunately no one seems to have any immediate life threatening allergies and for that I am gratefully holding my breath at this point.

     The big things that are just in the body and seem to hold true for everyone are lactose intolerance (possibly an actual allergy), wheat intolerance, intolerance to preservatives and other various conditions that require a very strict diet i.e. no sugar, corn, or pork.  Not to mention a lifelong allergy to every pollen that exists.  So I know all about muddling through allergy testing and restricted meal plans. 

     When my therapist first told me she suspected I had DID, otherwise known as multiple personalities, it didn't really sink in right away.  It did make sense though and I was immediately able to name off six- now that we were actually recognizing and discussing the other people inside my head that did apparently, come out to live their own lives from time to time.   During the next week, the dizziness, short blackouts, spinning, and voices clamoring in my head hit the roof.  I constantly had the sensation of being yanked and pushed out of my own body- out of my own brain, out of my own heart and lungs.  The chattering I usually had in my head was constant, and I now realized different voices with different 'tones', like a radio changing stations.  I started to realize how little control I had over my own body.  But where it might have been a slight nuisance before, it was raging out of control now.  Pandora's box had been opened, and there was no going back.

     The day I went back for therapy, the very day, I didn't make it to the appointment because of a sudden allergy reaction to rice and chocolate, after I had just grabbed some chocolate rice protein shake for breakfast on my way out. Well that, and anxiety which just made everything worse.  And switching.  And who knows what all else.  I ended up in the ER that night and a clinic the next morning, getting and EKG and blood draws.  They said it must be a panic attack and sent me home.  Then later I had an appointment with my regular practitioner and it turned out I was indeed suffering from food allergies that caused the shortness of breathe, wheezing, and headaches.  I felt at least mollified that it wasn't all 'in my head' as everyone else I had seen claimed.

     That was two years ago, and the strange symptoms haven't stopped.  After passing everything off as 'just panic attacks' or 'just DID' I realized that there were -at times- a more serious problem.  I now try to record everything and take into account switching and panic attacks.  It seems food allergies can be a trigger for the switching and anxiety just compounds everything.  But there are at times a definite physical reaction immediately after eating a certain food, say cucumber.  I record it and say "Aha!  Gotcha!"  And then for weeks after . . . nothing.  I can eat all the cucumber I want and no reaction, or at times a vague notion of an allergy reaction that I'm not present enough in the body to feel.  It's like trying to catch a grasshopper.  Once I think I've got it, I don't.  The only explanation I can think of is that different alters have allergies that others don't.  All I can say to someone with DID trying to figure out their allergies is, good luck.

Holy crap it's June 18!  How much have I missed, about two weeks?!  Not that all of me was completely gone, just *this* aware part of me was.  I think I did have the vague sense of protesting that I should wake of and DO something only to be overcome by sleepy contentedness before I was out of it.  Not that I don't know that things have been done- new haircut for example- I'm just a bit miffed that it wasn't me.  Because things always need to be done!  We're all in a rat race of urgency . . . oh, maybe not.  There is this annoying sense of missing out on my life though.